Have you ever found yourself wanting something more from your sex life? A deeper feeling of intimacy? A more profound sense of connection?
If the answer is yes, you’re not alone. It’s one of the things couples tell us they want most — yet it can be surprisingly hard to achieve. Especially when our usual habits, beliefs, and myths about sex end up standing in the way.
If you’re longing for more fulfilling, emotionally connected sex, you may be falling into some of the 8 most common sex mistakes. Here’s how to overcome them and create greater intimacy.
Mistake 1: You have a limited definition of sex
So many people see sex as “just the penetration part” — and everything else as the side show. But honestly, that view sells you short. When you open up your definition of sex, the menu gets so much more exciting. Oral, hand jobs, fingering, heavy petting — all totally valid and totally hot. Even things like sexting, dirty talk, or slow, sensual kissing can be incredibly intimate. Because sex isn’t just about what your bodies do — it’s about how you connect, how you feel, and all the delicious pleasure that comes with that. If you're still looking for a waterproof mat that you can completely relax on, we recommend the waterproof Love Blanket!
How To Fix It: To turn this around, set yourselves a sex date and take penetrative sex off the agenda. If penetration is no longer the ‘goal’, how else can you connect sexually? What other ways can you pleasure each other? For example, a BDSM Play Box can provide you with lots of exciting experiences to try out - beyond penetration.
Mistake 2: Your way of initiating sucks
We’ve all been there. The leg grab. The neck kiss. The “I’m totally not being subtle” move that says, “I want sex.” Or maybe it’s the quiet sulk — hoping your partner will somehow read your mind. Yeah… cringe. But we get it. It feels safer that way — less vulnerable. And sure, it might’ve worked once upon a time. But in long-term relationships, those old tricks can start to feel like pressure instead of passion.
How To Fix It: If you want your sex life to thrive, you need a new approach — one that starts with talking openly about what turns you on, what doesn’t, and how your needs have evolved. It’s not always an easy conversation, but it’s the kind that keeps connection — and desire — alive.
Mistake 3: You are too focused on the climax
When you turn sex into a race to orgasm, everyone ends up under pressure.One person’s trying to “make it happen,” the other’s trying to “get there,” and suddenly it feels like work instead of play. And let’s be real — pressure isn’t sexy.
And it definitely doesn’t help with orgasms. Pushing yourself to orgasm rarely helps you have orgasms. Pressure inhibits your experience of pleasure. It prevents you from being present in the moment and enjoying yourself. Yes, orgasms are great. We’re BIG fans. But they needn’t be the goal.
How To Fix It: The next time you have sex, try not orgasming. Make it about enjoying the experience and being present to all your pleasure – regardless of the ‘outcome’.
Mistake 4: You are using your partner’s pleasure as an ego boost
Few experiences are more arousing than seeing your partner in pure ecstasy — especially when you’re the one bringing them that pleasure. And while that can feel deeply affirming, basing your self-worth on their response is risky. When sex becomes a way to validate your ego, genuine intimacy starts to fade. For your partner, that can feel objectifying or performative — and for you, it’s ultimately unfulfilling. It’s natural for sex to boost confidence, but it shouldn’t depend on it. Your partner’s pleasure isn’t a reflection of your worth or your skill.
How To Fix It: Sex isn’t a performance; it’s a shared experience. Let go of the need to prove something, and focus instead on presence, curiosity, and connection.
Mistake 5: You’re too focused on your partner
If you are worrying about your partner’s pleasure and they are worried about yours, who is actually enjoying the moment? Questions such as “Am I doing this right?”, “am I attractive enough?”, and “do I sound weird?” are total mood-killers.
How To Fix It: Focus on your pleasure. No, that doesn’t make you selfish. And obviously, consent and care still come first. But when you let yourself really enjoy what’s happening, your partner feels that energy — and everything gets hotter. Even when you’re giving, like during oral, your enjoyment is contagious. When both of you take responsibility for your own pleasure, there’s no pressure, no guessing games — just connection and fun. So be a little bit selfish. Ask for what you want. Do what feels good. When you do, everyone wins.
Mistake 6: You’re only doing it while in the mood
Most people misunderstand desire. We tend to think it should appear spontaneously — that we’ll just feel in the mood. And when that doesn’t happen, we start to worry something’s wrong with our libido (or our partner’s). But desire doesn’t work that way. It requires attention and conscious effort. Modern life is full of stress, distraction, and exhaustion. If you only have sex when you’re spontaneously aroused, it likely won’t happen as often as you’d like.
How To Fix It: In long-term relationships, especially, arousal needs to be nurtured and invited.That means there will be times — before or even during foreplay — when you’re not in the mood. Yet. The key question becomes: are you open to wanting to want to? This isn’t about obligation or forcing yourself. It’s an invitation to take ownership — to learn how to build desire, rather than waiting for it to appear.
Mistake 7: You’re only doing it with your partner
If you want a more fulfilling sex life, maintain a solo practice. Yes — we’re talking about masturbation. The universal human behavior that almost no one discusses openly. However, this isn’t about the quick, goal-oriented “race to orgasm” that’s often associated with masturbation. Instead, it’s about setting aside intentional, guilt-free time to explore your arousal, desires, and erotic landscape.
Through this kind of mindful self-pleasure, you’re learning to discover how your body responds, build confidence in your sexuality, and to explore new ways of experiencing pleasure. When you nurture your own erotic connection, you stay grounded in your sexuality — independent of your partner, yet more available for authentic connection with them.
Mistake 8: You’re Having Superficial Sex
Sex can be so much more than just pleasure or orgasm. It can be an experience that nourishes your soul and strengthens your bond. Great sex isn’t only about what happens physically. It’s also emotional, mental, and even spiritual. It’s the kind of connection that feeds you — body, heart, and soul. Your sex life has the potential to go deep. To bring you closer. To grow love and connection in ways that surprise you. It can help you feel more alive, confident, powerful, beautiful, and worthy.
How To Fix It: The longer you and your partner are together, the deeper your connection can grow. It takes courage and intention. But it starts simply — with a desire to connect, to explore, and to approach each other with curiosity and love. Because when you open to it, there’s so much more to sex than meets the eye.