Research literally proves that oral sex is the most reliable way to help a person with a vulva orgasm. One study published in Sex and Marital Therapy found that less than one-fifth (18 percent) of vulva-owners can orgasm from penetration alone, while the vast majority (72 percent) require clitoral stimulation in order to climax and no type of sex puts the clitoris front and center quite like oral sex.
The issue? Many people don’t know what the heck they are doing down there—and don’t feel confident or comfortable enough to ask for instruction. Spoiler alert, though: It doesn't take too much magic, practice, or natural skill to give great oral. If you’re feeling ready to go down, here are 10 expert-approved tips on how to give your partner an unforgettably good time.
1. Set the mood
Oral sex is all about creating intimacy and trust, feeling good, and making your partner feel super good—so before you even head to the bedroom, try to get the vibes going. Put on a sensual playlist or maybe light some candles to create a sexy atmosphere, help get your partner in the mood, and take their mind off of daily stressors. Pro Tip: Place a Love Blanket under your partner for maximum comfort, because it allows them to get as wet as they want, without the fear of leaving stains behind. Compliment your partner and show your enthusiasm - it’s sexy!
2. Build Arousal
Once you’re both in a frisky frame of mind, you probably don’t want to head straight for your partner’s vulva. (Unless, of course, that’s something they’re into—no shame.) The clitoris is extremely sensitive, so applying a ton of tongue pressure there can be too much, too soon. Instead, work your way down there. Start with neck kisses. Then move down to their belly, inner thighs, and all around the vulva. Run your tongue around their nipples and chest. If your partner is on the kinkier side and you know they’ll be into it, you might try some dirty talk, spanking, or role play—whatever gets them in the mood.
3. Know How To Use Your Tongue
If your partner likes targeted, pinpointed pleasure, use the tip of the tongue in your oral game. It can apply more targeted pressure. As for what to do with it? Experiment! Some people enjoy the sensation of a rigid tongue swiping back over their clit really quickly. Some prefer firm circles. You can also try out the flat part of your tongue - Using the top of your tongue, lick up and down, in circles, and side to side. Keep your tongue relaxed as you explore, as the more rigid your tongue, the more pressure it will deliver.
4. Gradually increase speed and pressure
Once you're both ready to move to your partner's vulva, try starting with soft, gentle movements on or around the clitoris. Go easy and slow at first as you gain momentum. Then, pay attention to your partner’s physical and verbal cues. Once you’ve gained that momentum—or if they directly indicate that they want more—slowly start to ramp up the speed and pressure. As there’s more arousal, you can increase the rhythm.
5. Remember That Your Tongue Is Not A Dildo
If there’s one thing vulva-owners universally despise, it’s when mid-way through oral a partner goes South of the clit, and starts tongue-fucking the vaginal opening as if their tongue is a stand-in penis! Unlike the penis which is lined from head to base with oh-so-sensitive nerves, most of the vaginal canal is not sensitive at all. Instead, the vagina has just a few clusters of nerves that can enjoy stimulation — generally dubbed the G-spot, A-spot, and C-spot. If despite this anatomy lesson, you still have a hunch that your partner might enjoy a thrusting tongue, your best bet is to ask prior to transforming your tongue into a stubbing vibrating dildo.
6. Have More Than One Move
For most people with vulvas, consistency feels good: Constantly switching patterns can stop them from building arousal. But you should have more than one move. If you’re just doing the same thing over and over and over again, a lot of times, people get numb. Make sure you always have two or three moves in your arsenal, so that you are doing those moves consistently to help bring somebody up to orgasm. As things heat up with your partner, you’ll start to learn their favorite movements—maybe they like it when you slide your tongue up and down over their clitoris, or maybe they prefer broader, circular movements around the clit. If you don’t know where to start, try clockwise or counter-clockwise circles.
7. You Don’t Have To Stick To The Clit
The clitoris might be the most sensitive part, but show the rest of your partner’s vulva some love, too. Your tongue can create feel-good pleasure, anywhere from your partner's mons pubis to their inner thighs to inside their vagina. In fact, some people find direct clitoral stimulation too stimulating. If your partner jerks their hips away from your mouth anytime it gets close to their clit, pushes your head away with their hands, or otherwise verbally or nonverbally signals that clitoral stimulation is too intense, using your mouth to stimulate the rest of the vulva is a good work-around. If your partner consents to it, licking around the butthole or stroking the taint (the area between vaginal opening and anus) can also be extremely erogenous!
8. Use Your Fingers
If your partner enjoys vaginal stimulation, penetrate their vagina with one or two fingers. Your partner might enjoy thrusting, a “come hither” motion, or consistent pressure against the front of their vaginal wall. You can insert a finger in the backdoor, too—that is, if your partner’s game. Just make sure to use lube for any internal anal play. Another option is to use your palm to apply pressure to the rest of the vulva, which will indirectly stimulate the internal portions of the clitoris as well. You can also gently press just above their pubic mound to give them a little G-spot pressure from outside of the body.
9. Add Some Toys
Mouths and fingers are amazing, but they don’t need to be the only tools in your kit! Incorporating vibrators and other sex toys can up the ante on the whole experience. You might try, for example, give your tongue a break by using a Dual Stimulation Vibrator. It uses a combination of suction and air to circle the clitoris, simulating the sensation of oral sex. Simultaneously, its dildo-like part stimulates the G-spot, helping them to reach a climax! Pro Tip; Add lube on the toy and on the vulva to make the toy feel more like a mouth than a machine! If you’ve never used a vibrator on your partner before, you might want to ask them to show you how they like to use it first. Additionally, If they’re not into anal penetration but they’re open to other types of booty play, you can use a vibrator to stimulate the anal opening and perineum while you use your tongue on the clitoris.
10. Don’t get too caught up in whether or when they’ll orgasm
If you have a penis, you might not be accustomed to how long it could take someone with a vulva to climax. If you’re both hoping your partner orgasms, try not to use up your energy right away, and try not to get frustrated if it takes them longer than expected. And on that note… If you’re only going down on your partner because you’re waiting for an orgasm to happen, the other person’s going to know that you think this is a job, as opposed to a pleasurable activity that you’re enjoying. The person’s going to feel your attitude in how you approach it. Therefore, it is a mistake to see it as a chore, as a performance, and not being in the moment. After all, it’s not fun to have any kind of sex if your partner’s just waiting for it to end, right?
11. Do Not Forget Aftercare
After receiving cunnilingus, it's always a good idea to pee afterwards to flush out the system. If you're interested in washing off a bit, showering together afterwards can also be a great way to connect. Aside from that, everyone has different needs after sex. Some people might want to enjoy a sweet treat, drink a glass of water, or cuddle. Ultimately, it comes down to what your partner needs, so your best bet is just to ask. You might also choose to debrief, and discuss what the experience was like for both of you. If you particularly enjoyed giving it, you might share that with your partner. Meanwhile, if you want to know if any techniques felt particularly good, you could ask. This kind of dialogue will give you insight on how to make the next time even more pleasurable!